Uneasy

I'm worried. About everything.
Sitting here in this apartment in silence. Just got home from an evening at the theatre with some fellow PhDs. Afterwards, four of us lingered in the lobby after the crowd was gone. It hit me that this might be it for me. And yet I'm still in limbo. I left the theatre feeling odd. And sad.

Now I'm here in this apartment which I've let go of. I have to be out before December 1st.
And I am worried. About everyone.

This blog is an anonymous place for me. Insofar as my family and civilian friends don't know of it. Safe place to be honest about the things that have me uneasy.

Here it is. A list. Because I'm Germanic like that...

-My papa has four more rounds of chemo left. He's hurt worse than I realized. He has sores in his mouth that now go down his throat and up his nose. Makes it hard for him to swallow. He is strong and does not complain. Hides his pain. But I know he is scared. He is worried about money. That makes my guts hurt. Strong men break my heart sometimes.

-My mother is maxed out. Her mom has been in the hospital countless times this year. My ma is caretaker to all. She sleeps in waiting-rooms, drives in the night, sits, takes notes, makes decisions. She works like an indentured servant and is compensated miserably. Hers is the only full income and her back is breaking. She doesn't complain. She shields me from the bleakness. A does my pa. But she is scared and exhausted and has worn herself down to sickness. So much so that she couldn't come to my baby shower two weekends ago and still is not ok.

-My grandma was hospitalized again. Pneumonia in one of her lungs. She is now under two week quarantine. She is sad. Cried when her sister left after a recent visit. Said it would be the last time she saw her.

-My husband is nearing the extended date for his operation. Haven't told him but I'm nervous that he pushed it from October to December. Nervous that our little girl will come early and he will not be well enough to take me to the hospital. Or to help me. I'm also terrified about the intensity of the operation. Three vertebrae fused. His blood pressure is not good. His heart. He is saying now that he is worried. Says the reason is the 4-6 month recovery time. He feels he can't lay up that long. He's been busting his ass getting ready. Building a room on the cabin so the baby and I have room. He does too much by himself. Was installing the tin roof today. Alone. Fell off the ladder. The man is hoisting sheets of tin up a ladder to the roof by himself while in so much pain that he literally cannot walk normally. Cannot sleep without groaning in pain every few hours. Moves and stands and sits like he is crippled. Watching him plow through, while in agony...makes my stomach hurt. I will admit here, in this anonymous place, that I am afraid of his operation. My throat closes up to think of it. I keep thinking of my ma in the waiting room the day they removed my father's tumor.

-And I owe work for an Incomplete I got last semester due to a series of unfortunate events which involved the departure of a professor. I carry some of that in the lower part of my guts. That series of events sits somewhere in an uncomfortable interior place. And I have a few more pages for my final to finish. And a play. And missing state taxes to file. And classes to finish. Wanted to be ahead but I am not sure what my final projects will manifest as.

-Can't get clear answers about my residency. Can't get a return call about my insurance. If I cannot get state residency then I cannot afford to give up my assistanceship and THAT should have been solidified weeks ago. Can't have a baby without insurance, so if I lose that now, I am in trouble. Also, I have given up my apartment. If I have to keep the assistanceship, I don't know how I will get by. With a husband in recovery and a new baby and a two and a half hour commute and a car with problems.

-I have come too far, sacrificed too much to jeopardize or prolong completion of my PhD. But how do I pull this all off? How do I study for generals with all of this happening? I already am Queen of Test Anxiety...

-I felt a little too forced in my reassuring of an advisor when he expressed founded concerns about my attempting all this work from a little isolated "town" in the middle of nowhere. It IS going to be rough. I have my husband there. That is all. And I'm not around anyone out there who really understands the work required of me. I'm moving to a place suspicious of academics to finish this race in seclusion. I will have no peers, no resources, no companions.

-I have a tooth ache.

-Oh, and side note...I am HAVING A BABY. In nine weeks. Nine weeks. Couldn't find a female doctor in my new town. Actually, couldn't find a doctor to call me back at all. Couldn't find a birthing center. I thought  I would feel more prepared. Thought I would have a bond with the one leading me through this. I haven't even met the man yet. December 5th I will meet him. I wanted to take classes. And visit the facility where we would be. I have done none of this. I have read books but that is all. I don't know how to feel ready. And I will be so far from my family. And my papa cannot travel. And I am SO excited to meet my girl. I want NO fear to be in the way. I am scared though. I want to know that she is okay. That she is healthy. I wonder how I will do. Can I do it without an epidural? Isn't it better to do everything possible to be strong and present, not numbed or anesthetized? Will I be able to provide her with everything she needs to be 1000% healthy and happy and loved? 

-Can I do this all and also write and defend a dissertation without letting time lapse that will detract from my marketability? I need to get some conferences lined up. Need to try to teach something during the interim. Need to publish more. 

It's ok. This is just normal, right? People have lots going on in their lives ALL the time. I'm not unique in feeling overwhelmed and I am SURELY more fortunate, blessed, loved, lucky and privileged than most. Everything is fine. Everything is better than it seems. 

OH, and I've accomplished one small victory this month. I have gotten in a little exercise EVERY day since I made the commitment on the 3rd to do so. I feel less puffy. I feel stronger. At least there's that. And I have tracked my nutrition all month. Doing well there. Oh, and I get to teach an acting class for one of the co-chairs of the undergrad department Thursday morning. That makes me happy. 

K. Now that I have blogged my guts out instead of reading, I need to crash so I can try to get up around 6am to prep for class. Was gonna get an article and two chapters read, pack my bathroom, grade some papers and do some paperwork. Poor time management but I think I needed to cough up that hair-ball. 

Everything is ok.
Life is beautiful and I am wildly blessed and all is well.